「关于性爱」
My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.
我的感情生活非常糟糕，我最后一次进入一个女人的身体是参观自由女神像。
The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.
我和我的老婆唯一一次同时获得高潮，是在法官签署离婚文件时。
The difference between sex and death is, with death you can do it alone and nobody’s going to make fun of you.
性和死亡的区别在于，死亡你可以独立完成，而且没有人会取笑你。
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
做爱就像是玩桥牌。如果你的搭档不怎么样，你最好还是依靠自己的双手吧。
On bisexuality: It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
玩双性恋可以立刻让你周六晚的约会机会翻倍。
Don’t knock masturbation; it’s sex with someone I love.
不要诋毁撸；撸是我与自己的真爱之间发生的关系。
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
性减轻压力，爱情则相反。
Love is the answer. But while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
爱是答案。可是当你在等答案的时候，性会提出几个很好的问题。
「伍迪艾伦的哲学」
Can we actually ‘know’ the universe? My God, it’s hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.
我们能够确切的了解宇宙吗？我的天呐，能在唐人街不迷路就够不易的了。
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God’s mind-a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you’ve just made a down payment on a house.
宇宙只是上帝的一闪念——这是个叫人很不舒服的念头，特别是如果你刚刚付了买房子的首期。
Eternal nothingness is O.K. if you’re dressed for it.
永远的虚无没什么所谓，如果你为之穿着适当的话。
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
不仅上帝不存在，你试试看周末能不能找到一个水管工吧。
「人生感悟」
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better, while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
世上大体分成好坏两种人，好人晚上睡得踏实，而坏人更享受醒着的时间。
80 percent of success is showing up.
百分之八十的成功是到场。
「关于伍迪艾伦自己」
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
我人生的一大遗憾就是我不是别人。
To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.
对你们来说，我是个无神论者；对上帝来说，我是个忠实的反对派。
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don’t want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.
我不想通过我的作品达到不朽，我想通过不死来达到。我不想活在人们心里，我想活在我的公寓里。
The two biggest myths about me are that I’m an intellectual, because I wear these glasses, and that I’m an artist because my films lose money. Those two myths have been prevalent for many years.
人们对我最大的两个误解是：他们仅仅因为我戴眼镜，就认为我是知识分子；他们总以为我是艺术家，因为我的电影总是赔钱。这两个误解曾盛行一时。
Getting Even (1971)
I don’t believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
我不相信有来生，不过我还是随身带一套换洗内衣。
Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex* (*But Were Afraid to Ask) (1972)
Is sex dirty? Only if it’s done right.
性是肮脏的嘛？只有当它被做对了的时候才是。
Sleeper (1973)
My brain: it’s my second favorite organ.
我的大脑是我第二喜欢的器官。
Oh, he was probably a member of the National Rifle Association. It was a group that helped criminals get guns so they could shoot citizens. It was a public service.
哦，他可能是美国国家来福枪协会的成员，这个组织致力于帮助罪犯获取枪支以便对市民进行射击。所以这是一项公共服务。
Love and Death (1975)
To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But, then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love, to be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy, therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness — I hope you’re getting this down.
去爱就是去受罪，为了避免受罪，就别爱。但是，又会因为没爱而受罪。所以，去爱是受罪，不去爱也受罪，受罪就是受罪。想要幸福就去爱，之后却会变成受罪，受罪又会让人不幸福，因此，想要变得不幸福就去爱吧，或者爱上受罪，或因为太幸福了而受罪——我希望你听明白了。
Human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun.
人被分成精神和肉体。精神拥抱一切崇高的追求，例如诗或者哲学，而肉体却享受一切快乐。
After all, there are worse things in life than death. If you’ve ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you know what I’m talking about.
毕竟还有比死更糟糕的事。如果你曾经和一个卖保险的一起呆过一个傍晚，你就明白我的意思了。
The key is, to not think of death as an end, but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
关键是，不要把死亡当作一种终结，而是从更积极的角度去把它当作一种削减开销的手段。
Sonja: “Violence is justified in the service of mankind!”
Boris: Who said that?
Sonja: Attila the Hun!
Boris: You’re quoting a Hun to me?
Sonja: 为了全人类的利益，暴力是有理的。
Boris: 这是谁说的？
Sonja: 匈奴王阿提拉！
Boris: 你在跟我引用匈奴人的话？
Sonja: Sex without love is an empty experience!
Boris: Yes, but as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best!
Sonja: 没有爱的性是一种空虚的体验。
Boris: 是的，但在所有空虚的体验里，它算是最棒的那一种了。
Countess: You are a great lover!
Boris: I practice a lot when I’m alone.
Countess: 你真是个好情人！
Boris: 我独自一人时经常练习。
Him: Come to my quarters tomorrow at three.
Sonja: I can’t.
Him: Please!
Sonja: It’s immoral. What time?
Him: Who is to say what is moral?
Sonja: Morality is subjective.
Him: Subjectivity is objective.
Sonja: Moral notions imply attributes to substances which exist only in relational duality.
Him: Not as an essential extension of ontological existence.
Sonja: Can we not talk about sex so much?
Him: 明天三点来我家吧。
Sonja: 我不去。
Him: 求你了来吧。
Sonja: 这是不道德的。几点？
Him: 道不道德谁说了算？
Sonja: 道德是主观的。
Him: 主观性是客观的。
Sonja: 道德观念蕴涵着只存在于相关的二元性中的实体之属性。
Him: 但不是本体论存在的本质扩展。
Sonja: 我们能不总谈论性么？
Boris: I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If he was a carpenter, I wondered what he charged for bookshelves.
Boris: 我穿过树林的时候在思考耶稣的事。如果他是个木匠的话，我想知道他打个书架收费多少钱。
Without Feathers (1975)
The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife — a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it’s being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
顺便说一下关于死亡的主要问题，主要是对没有来生的恐惧——这是个令人心灰意冷的想法，特别是对那些不辞辛苦剃须的人。同时还有一种恐惧，是担心明明有来生可谁也不知道去哪里才能过来生。不过往好的方面看，死是少数几件只要轻轻松松的躺下就行的事。
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
要是我们世界里的一切都是幻觉，一切东西都根本不存在呢？要真是那样的话，我地毯肯定买贵了。
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
上帝要是能为我显显灵该多好！比如，以我的名字在瑞士银行存入一大笔钱。
It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
我并不担心死去……只是希望它来临的时候，我恰好不在那儿。
Annie Hall (1977)
There’s an old joke. Two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort. One says, “The food at this place is really terrible.”
The other says, “l know, and such small portions.”
That’s essentially how l feel about life: full of loneliness, misery, suffering and unhappiness…and it’s all over much too quickly.
有个老笑话，两个老太太下榻在卡茨基尼山假日酒店。其中一个说道：“这的食物真难吃。”
另一个说：“是啊，而且量还这么少。”
这跟我对人生的看法是一样的：充满了孤独，悲伤，苦难和不幸……而且这一切又结束得太快了。
I never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member.
我永远也不想加入一个有我这种人做会员的俱乐部。
I fell that life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable. The horrible would be like terminal cases and blind people, cripples. I don’t know how they get through life. It’s amazing to me. So when you go through life, be thankful that you’re miserable. You’re very lucky to be miserable.
我觉得人生可以分为恐怖的和可悲的两种。恐怖就比如得了绝症啊，成了瞎子啊或者残废了什么的。我不知道他们是怎样熬过一生的，我无法想象。因此，当你在度过这一生时，应该庆幸你是个可悲的人。能成为一个可悲的人说明你非常幸运。
Annie: lt’s so clean out here.
Singer: Because they don’t throw garbage away. They make it into TV shows.
安妮：这里（指好莱坞比弗利山）真干净啊。
辛格：因为他们不扔垃圾，他们把垃圾都做成了电视剧。
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
我在玄学考试时因作弊被开除了，我偷看了我旁边男生的灵魂。
Side Effects (1980)
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought — particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
有趣的是，现代天文学家们认为，空间是有限的，这是让人感到很舒服的一种想法——尤其是对那些从来记不住把东西放在哪的人。
Manhattan Murder Mystery (1993)
I bought her this handkerchief… and I didn’t even know her size.
我给她买了这块手帕，但我还不知道她的尺码。
Deconstructing Harry (1997)
Between the Pope and air conditioning, I’d choose air conditioning.
在空调和教皇之间，我会选择空调。
Tradition is the illusion of permanence.
传统就是对持久性的幻觉。
Doris: You have no values. With you it’s all nihilism, cynicism, sarcasm, and orgasm.
Harry: Hey, in France I could run for office with that slogan, and win!
Doris:你没有价值观，你拥有的仅仅是虚无主义，犬儒主义，挖苦讽刺和性高潮。
Harry:嘿，在法国我能凭着这句口号就在竞选中胜出!
The most beautiful words in the English language aren’t “I love you” but “it’s benign.”
英语中最美的词句不是“我爱你”，而是“你的肿瘤是良性的”。
All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we chose to distort it.
有一个真理众人皆知。我们的生活包含着我们如何去扭曲它。
Standup Comic (1999)
A fast word about oral contraception. I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said “no.”
简单说一下口头避孕，几周前我曾深切地切身体验了口头避孕——我请求一个女孩跟我上床，她说“不”。
I’m not a drinker — my body will not tolerate spirits. I had two Martinis on New Year’s Eve and I tried to hijack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.
我不能喝酒——我的身体会承受不了酒精（精神）。除夕夜那天我喝了两杯马提尼后，试图劫持一架电梯飞到古巴。
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
当我被绑架后，我父母立即采取了行动——他们把我的房间租了出去。
